How Much It Hurts
by fatalxdesiresx
Summary: This says ST: 2009, but the story is set in ST: ID, just FYI. It's the day after Pike's death and Jim is still in mourning. Before he leaves to retrieve Harrison, he's visited by Clara, a woman whom he and the others aboard the Enterprise encountered on another planet months ago, with her friend THE DOCTOR. This is kinda lame, but I love the idea of these two, so... Feedback apr!


"Jim?"

It took him several minutes until the sound of Clara's voice penetrated his thoughts, pulling him out of his sorrow. He was still reeling from the loss of Admiral Pike, a man he had considered like a father figure. This loss hurt more than he'd ever expected. He'd never said anything like that to him, though. Too shy perhaps, embarrassed? He hadn't wanted to admit to his superior that he thought of him like a father, as complimentary as that was. He'd been perfectly fine keeping all that to himself. Until now. It tore him up inside. He could still see Pike's dead body like it was only seconds ago. So many things he'd wanted to tell him but never got the chance to. It'd meant the world to him that the Admiral had so much faith in him. It had been a while since someone showed that. A greatness behind his recklessness, he recalled, or something like that. He wanted to make the Admiral proud, prove him right. That he was capable of greatness. First, however, he wanted to hunt John Harrison down and get the revenge he wanted for Admiral Pike. The justice the Admiral deserved.

These were the thoughts he'd been having when Clara approached him from behind. When he turned around to face Clara, he couldn't help but smile. She was so tiny, so pretty. A bit pixie-esque with deep brown hair, perfect facial structure (in his opinion) and kind, large brown eyes . He and Bones had run into Clara and her friend, who simply called himself _The Doctor, _on a planet a few months ago. There'd been a lot of confusion; lots of yelling, that was for sure. He still didn't quite understand who she was, or her friend for that matter. A weird little man with a bowtie. Always so energetic. He liked him, though. A bit. The Doctor had always loved his plans, even volunteered to go with him when Bones gave him a stern, disapproving look. Bones said they both had a death wish.

He and Clara had known each other for months now. She'd appear now and then when he was off the Enterprise and on land. They weren't technically dating, but they always spent time together. He'd confessed things to her he'd never confessed to anyone but Bones. How he felt about Admiral Pike, for example. So the woman standing in front of him probably had a good idea of his inner turmoil. He could tell by the look on her face she was concerned.

"Clara," he said, smiling at her. "What are you doing here?" he asked. He glanced around, the looming building of the Starfleet Academy behind them.

"I wanted to see you before you left. I heard what happened - I'm so sorry, Jim," she added, shaking her head and gazing at him with sympathetic eyes. She knew exactly how he felt. "I lost my mother when I was a teenager. I know how it feels to lose a loved one, a parent." They stood a few inches apart, Clara's hands stuffed into the pockets of her dress. Her hair was pulled up, showing off the graceful form of her neck, the width of her shoulders. "I wish I could help you feel better."

Jim smiled, not entirely a happy smile, but a smile nonetheless. He bowed his head, staring down at the ground for a few moments. "You know what I'm going to do, right?" he asked her, still not looking up.

Clara began to nod then said, "I do. I'm not going to try to persuade you otherwise, but I will say this: be careful. Please. Revenge isn't always what it seems, or what someone needs. If anything, revenge is an ending not a beginning. It can ruin you if you're not careful. I'd tell you to think rationally, but that isn't exactly your strong suit," she added, smirking and biting back a laugh. She cleared her throat and looked away just as Jim looked up at her, admiring her while her gaze was elsewhere.

"Thank you for being here," he said, and she finally met his gaze. She smiled softly, inclining her head to the side in acknowledgment. "It means a lot. You're one of the few who know what Pike meant to me." Clara gazed fondly at him, studying his bright blue eyes - so blue that the first time they'd met she wondered if those eyes were real. They were so piercing, so sure. She thought of those baby blues a lot.

Clara wanted to say that Pike wouldn't want Jim to go out and get revenge, but decided to keep her mouth shut. She trusted Jim and knew he'd come to think somewhat rationally, or at least have Bones or Spock to talk some sense into him. "I'm just so sorry," she said again.

Finally closing the space between them, Clara wrapped her arms around Jim and hugged him. He leaned down, resting his chin on her shoulder as he wrapped his arms around her small figure. He placed his hands on the small of her back, holding her close against him. All the time they'd known each other, he'd never once tried to kiss her, he realized. He found her gorgeous, smart, funny, interesting, enigmatic, exciting - a combination he rarely found in one woman. Yet not once had he made a move on her, and he was a ladies' man, everyone knew that. What was so different about Clara? She wasn't like other women. She was independent and intelligent like Uhura. She had a sense of adventure and could take care of herself. At times she felt like his female equivalent.

"Take care of yourself," Clara said, as she pulled away from the hug several moments later. She took a step back and smiled up at Jim. She was about to turn around and walk away when she decided to do something. Standing on her tiptoes to make herself a bit taller, Clara stretched so she could plant a kiss on Jim's cheek. She let her lips linger on his skin for a moment or two, then took a step back. "I'll be seeing you around." She flashed a smile at him, then turned around quickly and walked away.

Jim stared after her, laughing shortly and then smiling as he watched her figure become smaller and smaller as she got farther away from him. He continued to stare long after she was gone and then finally turned around himself and went to get back on the Enterprise and get the show on the road. He tried to keep in mind Clara's advice, to not let revenge rule him. He'd try, but he couldn't guarantee anything.


End file.
